Funny Status Messages

   I saw a sign today that made me P!$$ my pants! It said "Bathroom closed."

   Afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.

   I always feel sad when I white van drives right past me... It makes me feel like I'm not kidnap worthy

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.

   Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.

   SOME PEOPLE WILL THINK THIS STATUS HAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, INFORMATIONAL, OR EVEN USEFUL... JUST BECAUSE I USED CAPITAL LETTERS!

   We would have a lot more time if we didn't have "Loading" time.

   People call it Valentine's Day, I call it Tuesday.

   Rupert Murdoch is said to be deeply touched by the messages from family and friends left on Whitney Houstons phone.

   It's 39 degrees, which tells me one thing. That effin' Groundhog knows more about the weather than those clowns on TV.

   Get your facts right you big dummy: John F Kennedy was born in May 1917 and passed away in 1963. Do the math correctlyly.

   The other JFK is appropriately called JFK Junior you other big dummy.

   Ready for winter to be over because I need to see the sun again and also so I can stop sitting on cold toilet seats.

   Think I have cabin fever. Just broke out in shingles and little windows

   I think if I needed to create a successful television program, my target audience would be people with eyes.

   Maybe we didn't even WANT to touch it, M.C. Hammer. Ever think about that, you egomaniac?

   When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.

   What's black, lies on the floor, "Will Always Love You" and has white stuff around it's nose? A border collie.

   Valentines Eve: AKA Desperation to get a Date DaY

   Dusting off the old VHS sex tape my wife and I made. We watch it every Valentines and cry.