Funny Status Messages
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My voice is so gay an awkward sounding.. I make it deeper at work on the phone or over the PA system to sound like "one of the guys" 
why do you keep talking to me? what part of "I don't care" do you not understand?!
Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking “I'M GOING TO KILL.. Ah darn he's under a blanket”!!
I would love to see Flo @ Progressive hook up with Mayhem @ Allstate. Their kids would be bright, shiny, bundles of conniving, deceptive, destructive energy!
The government closed Megaupload and Piratebay.org might be next.. But life goes on.. We will always find a way.. Mark my words.
If I was stranded on a desert island & could only bring 1 thing, I would bring Dora. That b!tch has everything in her backpack
"Let's talk dirty" ... "What DID YOU SAY?!" ... "I said it's 10:30...
Lil Wayne = 5% black. 95% tattoos.!!
The single most suspicious thing you can do when someone walks into the room is to minimize your browser
Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.
Governments that try to control the internet are SOPAthetic
FREEBIRD! (When you purchase a bird of equal or lesser value.)
I always help people when they need it......not when its convenient for me! And I always stand behind my word ...Its called being a man!
It's almost midnight and my bed right now is like that special girl you fantasize about having sex with...I want to get in it so bad.
go into a crowded room, shout, "HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME?" whoever turns around and answers is a bad person.
perfume and frustration...smells like you got stood up.
preparing for sunshine but expecting rain.
If you are ever invited to anyone's Emotional Amusement Park, always aviod their Roller Coaster of Stupid Mistakes and ask them to meet you at the Carousel of Common Sense.
Really now... a show called: "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Before you could say that the dog was the best friend of man ... But that was before Twitter ! 