Funny Status Messages

   Just had my first-ever bowl of porridge & the first one was, in fact, too hot.

   I'm that guy that will add you as a friend on Facebook and then not talk to you the next time I see you in real life.

   I never tip restroom attendants because they already got to listen to me poop, and you can't really put a price on that.

   if sperm tasted good, none of us would be here......

   I've noticed that the majority of girls with a Facebook username that claims they are hot, sexy, pretty, or da baddest, 99% of the time are not all that and are the complete opposite of what they claim to be.

   In my own little world, I'm kind of a BIG deal!!

   My God.....even I!M not white enough to like Michael Buble.....

   Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.

   December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

   Error 404 : Honestly, our developers have yet to create that file!

   Always finish your beer. There are thirsty and sober people in Africa.

   I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by dropping my car insurance and not having car insurance.

   I don't need a fortune-teller. I already know how i'm gonna die thanks to all those Chain letters

   TO DO LIST: 1:Buy a flat screen TV. 2:Hang it on the wall. 3:Watch 'The Ring' & see that b!tch fall when she crawls out from my TV.

   lazy rule: if you can't reach it, you don't need it. if you do need it, scream HELP!! HELP!! someone will eventually show up.

   batteries go dead in the t.v remote, take every toy in your childs room apart to find AA's.

   Got a copy of The Christmas Story today...I was surprised they edited the DVD down to 96 minutes...I always enjoyed the 24 hour version of the movie

   trying to flick a booger is quite possibly one of the most frustrating tasks ever.....think you flicked it? think again, it's now on the back of your pinky like magic.

   Got my favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, from my in-laws for my birthday. I was shocked that the DVD version is abbreviated to 90 minutes. I always thought it was 24 hours.

   The look on people's faces while waiting at a bus stop is the same look children make when they can't have any candy.