Funny Status Messages
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Bob Barker turned 88 this week , what did he get for his birthday? " A NEW CAR !!!" 
My math teacher staples Burger King applications on failed tests.
Me: "Can we have Up Dog for dinner?" Mom: "What is up dog?" Me: "nothin just chilling
If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie" and actually watch a movie, you're a failure as a man.
Time magazine named "protestors" as people of the year. Here's an idea for the Ass bags at Time. If you want to honor a group of people, how about the members of Seal Team Six!!!!!
I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone I don't like says a bad joke.
''It's because I'm Black isnt it?!'' ''Dude... You're White...'' ''Oh, so now its because I'm white? I see how it is..
"I like your hair." "thanks, I grew it myself."
Fellas: If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.
I've just bought a 3D Kindle. Or a book as I like to call it.
There should be some sort of device that instantly makes my bed less comfortable when my alarm goes off in the morning.
When I am home alone and I hear a noise, I freeze and listen.
Newt Gingrich is the Republican front runner? I wouldn't bother getting those moving boxes just yet, Barack.
Admit it, you love them so you Facebook stalk them. You over think your status updates in case they read them & you look @ all their photos several times a day.
Hi My name is Miggz, I enjoy counting money and dancing when there is no music playing
I hate those jerks who claim, "If you don't vote, don't complain". That's like going to a restaurant, and the only two items on the menu are s**t and vomit, yet it's my fault the place failed because I didn't order either one.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What I love most about my ex is that she is someone else's problem now.
I'm gonna get "Shake well before drinking" tattooed on my pen!s. 