Funny Status Messages
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It's not so much that I'm a KE$HA hater, its more of the fact that I'm a music lover. 
Went to the store and asked for Amy Winehouse's greatest hits. But the guy behind the counter told me they don't sell heroin.
Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....
Me: Wow everything seems right for once. Life: Hold on let me f*ck it up.
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."
My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... So now I sit down to pee.
Guy: Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? Girl: No Guy: (pulls pockets inside out) would you like to?
I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly very seriously.
I think we need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts.
Just saw a baby that was wearing a shirt that said, "not everything stays in Vegas"
Ladies: If you get an an argument with your man and you want to win or just want the argument to be over with, Just get naked and see how fast his attitude changes...
If Mac users care more about the environment than Windows users... Why do Macs have a trash can, and Windows have a recycling bin ?
"Eww, I'm so ugly." Like oops I think you spelt "I want attention" wrong. Confidence is key ladies.
I got 99 problems and sexual frustration plays a huge part in all of them
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. And thats where I come in.
I declined an iTunes Terms & Conditions update. Immediately my phone rang. A cold robotic voice said "wrong move silly human."
I'm starting to think it's probably not that hard out there for a pimp.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
It amazes me how all of these infomercials talk about different ways to make your pen!s larger, but they never mention just playing with it.
When it gets dark early, the universe dares the drunk within me to get started. 