Funny Status Messages
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Don't ask to use my Phone, and then start going through my photos, contacts, messages and call history, unless you want to meet God before I do. 
The words "Serious" and "Facebook" DO NOT go hand in hand. Please pack your feelings in a suitcase and travel back to wherever you where before you discovered Facebook.
Facebook seriously needs to start asking some people, “Are you SURE you want to post that stupidity?" before it allows them to update their status.
As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.
W.I.F.E - Will Investigate & Find out Everything
Sometimes I look at my FB feed and think "If you spent less time b!tching about your life, you might actually enjoy it."
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
Wearing a Santa hat is a great way let people know you're a wild card.
I've got 98.998 problems and rounding up numbers is one of them.
We've wrapped cheap electric lights around our dead indoor tree and are ready for the guy to break into the house while we're sleeping!
You like to sleep? Me too, lets do it together sometime.
When someone smells nice, it automatically makes them more attractive.
Little known fact: Pop-up ads are the result of that time the Internet got herpes.
"You moved the headstones but you never moved the chicken bones!!" (Poultrygeist)
Anti Depressants should be called 'Mirth Control.'
If you ever have the strangest sensation that I'm communicating with you telepathically, it's because I totally am!
Tiger Woods best finish in the last 2 years was a 69...go figure!
Madonna picked to sing at superbowl halftime, cause if its one thing guys like is an old woman singing lame songs they hated the first time they heard them 30 years ago
Be good to yourself because the longest relationship you will ever have in life is with yourself.
FINALS: May cause sleep deprivation, loss of friends and fun, neglect of family, excessive crying and hair loss and burning eyes. Is the semester over yet??? 