Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   annoyed that these guys like Clooney, Cruise, and DeNiro are all picking me as their celebrity look-alike. Get a life losers.

   I love your approach. Now let's see about your departure.

   A friend of mine once commented that huamns are the only species to go out of our way to obtain milk after we've been weaned, I replied that we were the only species with cookies.

   If love is a game..where can I buy the multiplayer-version?

   Ok... Apparently its illegal to paint yourself blue and run around in the big leafy plant section at Walmart's and shout "Neytiri... I want you!"

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me I have hearing aids

   used to be famous, but moved away and changed her name because she had too many fans.

   just mugged a florist....that guy's lookin' like a fool with his plants on the ground....

   throwing skittles at people and yelling "TASTE THE FLIPPIN RAINBOW''

   Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.

   For all you with "it's complicated" as your status, FB has a new, more truthful option. Because what you really want to say is, "In a relationship, until something better comes along, which shouldn't be too long cuz this dude is on my LAST friggin nerve!

   Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

   My dad called Justin Bieber a tool. My life is complete.

   thankful for friends whom willingly travel to the ends of the earth to search for the plot that he/she managed to lose; and yet be gracious enough not to cast judgement on its condition when they find it.

   wants to be 9' tall and blue so I can plug my hair into my orange dragon thing and fly to the floating mountains. Am I on drugs? No, but someone ought to test James Cameron!

   Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed frequently and for the same reason.

   Some things are best kept between you and your neighbours. Like a fence.

   just realized you can re-arrange the letters in Federal Stimulus to spell "Failed Result Sum."

   If Facebook is running slower than my brain before breakfast, they should probably fix the problem asap.

   Am I the only one that when I see a "Siemens" commercial I giggle?