LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   My cosmetic surgery might have gone wrong but I'm smiling on the inside.

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   A dress is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the premises without obstructing the view.

   ..thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it's going to pop instead of scaring the crap out of me when it does!!

   Political speeches are like bull horns. A point here. A point there. And a lot of bull in between.

   Just letting my mind wander since it won't stop and ask for directions.

   What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

   I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.

   The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though

   I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.

   When I say I drive like lightning,it's not because I drive fast. It's because I hit a lot of trees.

   ..doesn't understand people who say "by now.." As in "by now you should have children,.by now you should be married..by now you should.." Sorry but if "by now" i'll "pay later".

   Due to an "incident",my Mafia family is entering into a Witness Protection program in a Farmville,a few accounts away.

   I hate it when I run out of Staples. And so do their security guards.

   NASCAR Driver Education: "Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Repeat."

   The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.

   In a nudist camp, men and women freely air their differences.

   We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours. But they all have to learn to live in the same box.

   If there's one thing I like to rock,it's casbahs.