Lil-David Funny Status Messages

   When I was a kid I prayed for a skateboard, then I realized God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness

   "Hey David... Do you talk to your girlfriend while you are having sex? "Only if there's a phone handy"

   Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's Finger!

   The government shut down because of spending money he dont have- thats called bankruptcy and foreclosure.

   Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.

   Lets not get overly excited about the government shutdown, Walmart is still open!

   Today I was walking down the street and a cop stop me, he asked me if I had a police record ...I said yes ....Every Breath You Take and Don't Stand So Close To Me........ Thank-God, I got bonded, my cellmate Roxanne was just a little weird!

   My pregnant blond girlfriend found out she was having twins, she started cry, and said I don't want to wait 18 months for twins to be born.

   Today Facebook was down, so I had to actually talk to my people that didn't live in my computer... I haven't done that in a few years, hope I don't get sick!

   Obama needs my dope mans friend, brothers little cousin help to fix his Obamacare site, he's pretty f__king good, if you get him high...

   Tomorrow I'm going to the homeless shelter and getting me some 2013 St Louis Cardinals World Series Champions shirts for free..

   I taught my neighbors kid how to trick or treat online, hopefully she puts her mothers credit card back!

   I have a cell phone a Ipad a laptop, stop sending me reminders to turn my clocks back...it's called automatic updates!

   Amazon is now offering Special Christmas Drone Deliveries to Pakistan!

   My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"

   My mom said were going on vacation somewhere in South Africa, she called it "Kanye West"

   If websites had closing hours divorces, murder and pregnancy would double.

   I was in the middle of a selfie and my mother walked in, now all she can say is "don't worry son everyone's doing that."

   I post political status on Facebook just to watch my friends battle each other like it's The Crips Vs Bloods...

   The quickest way to a woman's heart, is through her rib cage.