JCGJ Funny Status Messages

   Christmas - The time of year when you can get the whole dysfunctional family together under one roof!

   Ryan Lochte is going to be a father, which proves that no matter how stupid you may be, it only takes one strong swimmer to get somebody pregnant.

   I've had only had one glass of wine. . . Glass, bottle. . . whatever. . . A bottle is glass, right ??

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?

   Dear Santa, yea I was naughty this year ..and it was worth it, you fat, judgmental b*stard!

   Merry hammered people! I'm Christmas!

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Hillary too..

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Donald Trump too..

   “Catch me outside, how about that?

   Still waiting for Activision to come out with "Call of Duty" for Atari 2600

   All houses made out of wood are tree houses.

   What if... what if dogs love us so much because they know we're made of bones.

   Place aluminum foil in a paper shredder ... BOOM TINSEL !!

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.

   I put in an URGENT REQUEST to Santa last night for a mirror so you can locate that STICK that's UP YOUR @$S and REMOVE IT!!

   I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

   🎶 ...No mask on your face You big disgrace Spreadin' your germs all over the place... 🎶

   Judge: "how do you plead?" Me: "your honor I plead oopsie daisies."

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self-centered lives already in progress.

   Fun Fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, "Marco" and then an even fainter, "Polo."