FLUFF!! Funny Status Messages

   A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his baIIs

   According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was

   When people call me smart, I'm just thankful they're not around to see me turn the wrong burner on the stove every-single-time!!

   I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? ... How's that working out for you?

   So this year I decided to fill out my own tax return, and guess what ... I'm getting back 4 million dollars!!!

   Birdman won the Oscar for Best Picture ... for some reason Kanye thought it should have gone to Beyonce

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate rhyming. PENlS.

   You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!

   if I had 10 cookies, and you took half, what would you have? ... THAT'S RIGHT!! A black eye and a broken hand!!!

   Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!

   If I had a dollar for eveytime I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream

   I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!