Funny Status Messages

   Women are completely defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.

   went to the walk in clinic to find out why my willy was orange, the Dr. asked me "what do you do all day?" Well, I like to surf porn and eat cheetos.

   As long as there is someone up in heaven to protect me, there is no one on earth who can mess with me.

   went to the Dr. to have a physical done, he told me that I have to stop masterbating, I asked him why? He said "because I am trying to examine you!"

   If you blame others for your failures, do you credit them with your success?

   [Average Salaries] U.S. Soldier: $54,000....U.S. Congressman: $174,000 (Not counting bonuses)....What's wrong with this picture..?

   It takes real courage to suck another man's c@ck. And any man who can do it can dern well defend the nation I love.

   If your life and or feelings are are better because you're now posting anonymously... It's time to re-evaluate your life choices my friend. That's just sad. There is actually a "real world" out there.

   Justin Bieber's parents must be so proud of her

   Ive created a fb group called "threesome" and invited two girls. I'm not going to say a word and just see what happens.

   'C' is for cookie; that's good enough for me.

   Maybe Oscar wouldn't have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he's homeless

   There are certain days in the year where it's socially acceptable to act like a retard. Someone tell the people here it's not one of those days...

   Congratulations! You have just won 100,000,000 dollars in the mobile draw reply with full name, D.O.B, address etc. to claim your price. By courtesy of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe.

   Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?

   how come the bus driver is the only one with a seatbelt?

   what started out as a joke, ended up me sleeping on the stairs for 2 hours.

   We all have that one friend we used to get wicked and do crazy stuff with but then they suddenly flipped on us and overnight became a hardcore religious nut and now can't hang out together due to spiritual differences.

   A great relationship is based on two main principles. First, appreciate your similarities and second, respect your differences.

   I have a low tolerance for pain... but the up side I can endure A LOT of pleasure.