Funny Status Messages
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It isn't you, it's me. It's me wanting to be on top of people who aren't you. 
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Boy: "Is your body from McDonalds?" Girl: "Why? cause you're lovin' it?" Boy: "No, cuz it's fat and greasy."
It's a Paleontological fact that T-Rexes were so vicious because their arms were too short for them to masturbate.
In hard times like this, we need to call upon "Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century!"
I wish I was 50 years younger and I'll kick your Ass! > Larry Merchant to Floyd Gayweather.
I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in facebook", Can I come in?
It amazes me how most politicians havent contracted some type of STD from all the people they have screwed during their tenure. Figuratively and literally.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn't speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
When I die I hope ppl remember me for all the attention I loaned to them without retribution. And not the money they loaned to me without retribution.
Somewhere, right now, MySpace Tom is giving himself a pep talk in a mirror.
There are two things a HUMANS can never hide: The fact that he's drunk, and the fact he's in love.
Tell me how a 74 year old man has an opportunity to fly a plane in the crowd at an air show in Reno Nevada when the Dr's took away my grandfather's license away just for falling asleep several times at the wheel on I-81??
E-Harmony: Dislikes: "Women who shoot their gun sideways!!"
like a good neighbor state farm is there...with winning lotto numbers
When I have children I'm going to make them watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that
Well, I just made friends with some mexicans who just moved into the neighborhood. It's about time I finally got friends with benefits.
"Fei Fei Sun.. She is Chinese" oh, really? It sounded so European to me!!
it just me, or does Morgan Freeman play god in almost every movie...
I'm participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people with attention deficit disorder. 