Funny Status Messages

   If someone posts "single and ready to mingle" on a public forum, they are single for a reason.

   here's a condom...'cause I'm thoughtful and I want you to be safe when you go F&*k yourself.

   Dear God , whats your policy on heart replacements

   I'm the go to guy when it comes to going to a guy to find out what guy to go to.

   MLB looking into Illegal poker games at Oscar Madison's apartment. Felix Unger has no comment.

   Hey Facebook.. If I "UNFRIEND" someone.. Please don't put them in my "People you may know".. Of Course I F*ckin know them! I just choose not to be friends with them!

   Had 12 girls banging on my bedroom door last night... I said, No matter how hard you bang I am not letting you out

   JERSEY SNORE. And No! That's not a typo ;)

   Shark Week Thought: Guy who takes his wife/girlfriend to the ocean/beach when it's that time of the month has a hidden agenda.

   Ya know it's a bad day when you wreck yourself before you check yourself.

   Prvo me upoznaj pa mi onda sudi, a ne po tome što pričaju ljudi ! :)

   I don't need damn a brain, I have google.

   The later it gets at night, the funnier everything is. When you're laughing at nothing...it's time to go to bed.

   Take a hint: you don't look cool peeling out of a parking lot. You aren't a professional drag racer and it's f'n annoying. Now go buy some new tires.

   You're more shallow than a kiddie pool.

   The price of books is ridiculous! We should at least get the teacher's edition for that price, dang...a free puppy wouldn't hurt either.

   Some guys make me want to roundhouse kick them in the nutz.

   Not to sound like an old maid, but why do people think they need to be in a relationship to be happy? Those who can stand on their own two feet are the ones that I admire most. Be strong and independent. Have patience and love will come.

   Dear boys, the whole 'speed-by-girls-in-my-noisy-truck-and-impress-them' doesn't really work...but, then again you probably didn't need to hear that from me did you?

   i wonder when Sarah Palin is going to weigh in on this Stocky Markety Swoopsy Dowsy stuff.