life Funny Status Messages

   Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked, while trying to find new people to see naked?

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   "Wisdom doesn't come from age, wisdom comes from the things that you srewed up in your life."

   My favorite part about switching back to standard time is getting to relive the last hour of my life. A real live 'do-over'

   Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.

   My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

   There are four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You are Santa Claus 4) You look like Santa Claus

   I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   Every time I play NBA2k, I’m deeply offended there are no short players with minimal basketball skills. How could I not be represented in a game that has nothing to do with my life?

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. For skills I possess when shaving my nuts that I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   I understand that in every life a little Rain Must Fall, but what I don't understand is why does it always happen to me the few times when forget to close my car windows?

   You know how TV commercials for burgers places make the burger look much better in the picture than they do in real life? Yeah, that's FaceBook

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?

   I just got a new smartphone with a app installed on it that tells you which of your friends spend to much time starring at their phones who are in need a social life that's called facebook.

   Just once in my life I'd love to make just the perfect amount of spaghetti for myself. Anyways, if you're hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator!

   Life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you going to get, if you can't follow directions and just look at the little chart on the back of the box.