life Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend isn't allowed to go see "IT" I'm the only clown in her life .

   A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   You know your life sucks when the therapist doesn't even return your calls.

   Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.

   RIP Hugh Hefner. A remarkable life. Fans of his work are now doing something they’re quite accustomed to - grabbing a tissue.

   I find it very funny that all the women who say Trump is a sexist pig are saying farewell to Hugh Hefner who did nothing but exploit women all his life....

   When life gives you scurvy, you’re going to wish you kept those lemons.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a t-shrit with the word life on it and hand out lemons.

   The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.

   IoT warning: my refrigerator just whispered to me my life would be better if I switch to satellite TV

   Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.

   When ur wife keeps her head on ur chest N slowly asks, "Dear, do you have any women in ur life other than me"? Remember ur answer is not important at this time, what is important is ur heartbeat. Keep calm n breathe easy. It's A biometic test

   Kinda pissed that OJ is living a better life than me right now.

   Ugh. None of my Facebook friends have accepted my "Take Seven B&W Pictures of Your Life Print them Poster-Size, Tint them with Watercolors, Scan Them, Increase Vibrance by 50% then Post Each One with a 3-Word Description Challenge".

   Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….