Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"

   If you see an onion ring…answer it!

   When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.

   If women were labeled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone messed up here...

   My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!

   I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

   As a kid if a boy liked a girl he'd poke her, call her dirty names & pull hair until she cried. Odd, as an adult girls beg guys to do that.

   When someone tells your their birthday, you immediately add 3 months to see when their parents screwed. Everyone does that, right?

   I'm looking for a few women to form a playgroup on weekday afternoons....... No kids, please.......

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.

   Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science and I could use some hot wings and beer.

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

   She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...

   Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.

   I was at a job interview the other day when the guy asked me, "How would you describe yourself in 5 words?" This was a tough one I thought to myself. So after a minute or two I replied, "I'd do it by talking."

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.

   If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put beer in a tit?

   I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.