Funny Status Messages

   If "graphic pictures" will be required on cigarette packs, then I want to see graphic pics of ugly babies on condoms and ugly chicks WITHOUT goggles on beer bottles.

   was glad to see it was "peter tweeter" Anthony Weiner's last day in office but I was a bit dismayed when I heard that Gary Busey was slotted as his interim replacement.

   Government cheese makes the world a better place!

   I never dreamed that motherhood would include telling my boys: "Don't pee on the lawn mower!"

   Ladies, If you get to a point in a relationship where you have to clamp your legs shut to get him to behave the way you want him to, the relationship is already over!

   Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.

   Jeeziz. Three hours sleep. Where's Casey Anthony with the chloroform when you need her?

   This is not the status message that you are looking for. Move along.

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know ;

   If you don't like the way I think, simple Unfriend me, as my day, life, won't stop because of it.

   Anybody who says they could never conceive of killing another human being just needs to meet more people.

   I used to follow my dreams, but then they got a restraining order.

   Having a girlfriend who speaks a foreign language you dont understand can be tricky. She could receive a call from her secret lover and talk to him right in your face and you would never have a clue.

   Well Doc , there I was sitting on the crapper with nothing to read and then I spotted my wife's wax . The rest of the story speaks for itself .

   Friends: Just because I ask you to go somewhere or do something doesn't mean I'm offering to pay your share of it.

   I've had to cancel my impotence clinic appointment. Something's come up.

   [seen above a urinal] Your child's future is in your hands.

   What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought "You know, I bet we could make some kind of hot drink out of these things!", I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH! :)