Funny Status Messages

   My dad once told me that, by definition, a leader is someone who has followers, and the more followers, the greater the leader. I think that was true right up until the advent of Twitter."

   You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?"

   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?"

   Everyone is fighting their own battle, to be free from their past, to live in their present and to create their future

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   Dear politicians, you're dumb enough as is, so I'd highly recommend you stay away from social media.

   The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   On-Star has made it so much more difficult for me to take my time when I'm robbing accident victims....:-)

   Dear neighbors, If you hear a lot of screaming and cussing please do not worry and/or call the police. I am cleaning out my garage and have Arachnophobia

   That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked

   Anthony Weiner: I shouldn't tweet this pic. I'm married. Anthony's weiner: C'mon, do it. Who's gonna know.....

   can't understand why we call asteroids such a name when they are in the hemisphere, and hemroids so when they're on the ass!

   NO....Anthony Weiner did not tweet a pic of his weiner....he forward one of Clinton's from Monica's view!!

   Attack life,... it's gonna kill you anyway.!!!

   .If you have someone great in your life hold on to them and pull them close and keep them tight to you,if not someone else will.

   NO ONE make any sudden moves,...the sun is out and I dont want you to scare it away.!!!

   Everyone want to be your sunshine, but not me, I want to be your Moon so I can light up your darkest moments, when your sun is not around.!!!

   it's never to early in life to do anything...except get out of bed!