Funny Status Messages

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called EVERYBODY'S USED THIS POST ONE TOO MANY TIMES!

   The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

   That awkward moment when you're chilling at the park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging a piano.

   I swear, the next person who pisses me off will find out very quickly that my threats are empty.

   I know that roses are expensive but $80 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

   They need to make a pop tart without all the crust

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   If you have to ask why I don't like you, you just answered your own question.

   planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now he doesn't know what to feed it.

   After seeing Jennifer Aniston new boyfriend, I just realized that possibly I did have a chance....

   Plaxico Burress is out of jail today... Only a black man would be sent to jail for 2 years for shooting himself...

   WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.

   So it turns out the bean sprouts are innocent and have been released without charge, cucumbers are still suspect and being interviewed. But I have a seriously guilty looking tomato in the fridge......

   STILL, loking for a Russian maid with ten fingers like a mouth and a mouth like ten fingers...

   I'm trying to get back to my original weight. 7 lbs 9 oz

   Excuse me guys, help here. What does it mean if the husband of a woman you have been flirting with on Facebook sends you a friend request? Am I in trouble? Should I be worried?

   I think telling my date that "Good things come to those who wait" therefore I was going to be an hour late wasn't such a good idea.

   A friend is like a good bra: hard to find, comfortable, supportive, always lifts you up, makes you look better, never lets you down or leaves you hanging, and always close to your heart.

   feeling unsatisfied.... Kind of like getting a hand job from someone with no fingers.