JAKE Funny Status Messages

   My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.

   Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.

   I like to stop the microwave with one second to go. It makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   Dear hefty girl Walmart shopper. It may feel like summer, but your shirt and shorts are way to small. You look like a half open can of biscuits.

   . There's a book on The Cures for aches and pains by Dr. Artur Ritis

   Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."

   They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

   How are condoms and cameras a like? They both capture that magical moment.

   Can of Crisco $3.95 Body pillow $12.95 Box of condoms $9.95 Look on cashier's face...... Priceless.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.

   Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.

   Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.

   Guys don't appreciate being single untill they been married for awhile.

   I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.

   What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?

   I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.