Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.

   ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic.... RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air...... ME: HOLY CRAP !?!

   The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.

   I got a Go Fund Me Account so I can afford Avocado on all my sandwiches

   *points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

   My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

   Sorry I unfollowed you but you said regular fries are just as good as sweet potato fries,, and that's a lie.

   I'm still waiting for the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of his ass... Where are we on this technology?

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

   Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.

   I think I'll go to the playground so I can enjoy a relaxing afternoon of screaming at my kids for screaming

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   I also think it's adorable how their putting jokes on the sides of snacks now. .. Like listen to this one, ,,"serving size 3 cookies "

   I think Trump is actually turned himself into the Human form or "clickbait"

   *the year 2050,,,,,, "Grandpa, how did Trump ever get elected? ".... Well, we were a bit distracted, That was the year that adult coloring books came out

   I'm a nervous wreck about this election, because I'm too rude to live in Canada

   How high can Mexicans climb?,,,,,,,,,#TrumpsGoogleHistory

   Sure,,, Trump may be unhinged now,,,, but maybe he'll calm down once he becomes the most powerful person in the world