Funny Status Messages

   I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for someone who can't even see.

   Save water – take a bath with your neighbor's wife.

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

   Note to the close-minded: different doesn't mean wrong, it's simply right in another way. Appreciate it, rather than punish it with naive isolation

   The fashion police can eat my white jean shorts!

   Did you know? When you say 'beer can" in a British accent you're also saying "bacon" in a jamaican accent.

   If someone says, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Tell them that only happened once in history --- and He volunteered. Happy Easter everyone.

   I was thinking of donating to the sperm bank, they pay good money actually.. I can't believe how much money I've let slip through my fingers.

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   wondering what name do atheists call out in bed?

   Born free. Now, I'm expensive.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   When the hell did I get drunk and married to Google? I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence...

   I want to name my dog Stains..... so when I call for him to come inside, I can yell "Come Stains!" ......and see how many neighbors give me dirty looks.

   updated itunes, I don't think I need any tutorials on listening to music.

   Everybody's human - everybody makes mistakes. If you laugh it off and keep going and try to give it your best the next time around, people respect that.

   I would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex... and some people wonder why I smile so much around them

   I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.