life Funny Status Messages

   I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving. It's all about perspective.

   There are 2 types of people I don't like: 1) Those who complain constantly and blame others for all that's wrong with their life, and 2) Everyone else...

   Life's a piano and I'm playing it wearing boxing gloves.

   I have a life outside the internet. But not on purpose.

   Life is a vicious circle, I will trip you during a game of musical chairs. . .

   Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn't want to talk too.

   Find someone who makes you happy and murder them before they ruin your life.

   "I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.

   Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”

   At 37 years old today I think aim in the "Rocky V" stage of my life. #shouldastoppedafterDrago

   So I thought about asking the love of my life to marry me. Chicken Parmesan. . .

   I’m not really into the idea of letting a set of made up ancient rules dictate my life. Hell I'm not real keen modern laws telling me what I can and cannot do!

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life

   Parenting: negotiating with terrorists every single minute of every single day for the rest of your miserable life.

   Sometimes I wish saying "Uncle" to Life would work.

   life is just one big mess.....OCD people hate messes....therefore OCD people hate life

   Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”

   I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant....

   Build a man a fire, he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.