Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   I'm just sitting here thinking of all the absolutely incredible things that I could accomplish this year. That is, of course, if I gave a sh/t....

   how come when I fart you say eww but when you fart, its ok

   knows the world cannot end in 2012, because my GNC protein bars expire in 02/2013

   NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

   a member of the Jehovah's Witness protection program.

   thought he saw a ninja while driving home today - turned out to be just a light pole...or was it?

   told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he speaks English.

   pretty sure he knows folks who stood in line for second helpings of 'special kind of stupid'.

   When you die, they'll bury you face down, so that you can see where your going.

   From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue feels, the way you tighten and loosen mmm..NEW SHOES

   Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend? A. You can drop her off where ever you want!

   Everyone is calling me and texting me saying some big idiot is running down the road with nothing but a diaper on..where are you going?

   A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   thinking they should make a road paving company called Good Intentions.

   is "childish. No he's not, yes he is, no he's not, yes he is."

   2.I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.

   If you were naked in bed, laying between Cheryl Cole and Alan Carr, which one would you face and which one would you turn your back to?

   the best of part waking up is folgers in my whiskey.