Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

   I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

   The man on a date always wonders if he'll get lucky but te woman already knows

   I just got home from the convenience store where I saw two homeless people making out. It was gross so I was about to yell "Get a Room", luckily I caught myself just in time

   so I go to walmart and see two problems, 1. they have a justin bieber doll and 2. you press his crotch to hear him sing...

   A movie about Justin Bieber's life? I am looking forward to part 2, "From Puberty To Obscurity."

   whoever believes this 2012 crap about the world ending.......i mean seriously.....maybe the Mayans just figured it was already thousands of years past their time so why keep counting..........just sayin.......

   beginning to think that this whole "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the alcohol part.

   First the dead birs in Arkansas, now the 2 million dead fish in Maryland. Are we in a Michael Bay disaster movie?

   I have finally been diagnosed...!!! I have a serious condition known as "Awesomeness" but don't worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!!! ;)

   Sky Sports – “David, you are planning a return to the Premier League, you have only ever played for one other team being Man United; have you thought about the stick?” David – “Yeah, she'll get used to it, she loves London.”

   's words to live by: Treat everyone you meet with dignity and respect but always have a plan to kill them.

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.

   Nothing funnier than a pissed off mall cop on a Segway. With those goofy helmets on, I just can't take them seriously.

   Idiot-[id-ee-uht] noun: One who disagrees with me. Synonyms: Fool, Half-wit, Imbecile, Twit, Moron

   Do people comment on picture 57/109 from a year ago because they want you to know they're a stalker?

   No matter what I do... I always end up back to Facebook... I try to look for other things to do online... but apparently seeing other peoples statuses, conversations, pictures, videos, and occasionally getting poked entertains me...

   When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they're being annoying little bastrds.

   ‎9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

   Dear other countries, we can't explain Jersey Shore's popularity either.