Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sorry, but I can't "go to hell"~ my restraining order states I can't be within 100 feet of it.

   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America

   Thank you Facebook for reminding me of my anniversary. Please feel free to torment me with reminders of all of my other poor life decisions while you're at it....

   his wife is a good cook...she makes the best damn ice cubes he has ever had

   I'm playing the F YOU song in your presence for a reason. Subliminal message delivered.

   I feel like Mr. Rogers when I wear a sweater...just not as sexy.

   My girlfriend told me I don't appreciate her anymore. Well that makes sense since she doesn't blow me anymore.

   it sad that I'm more excited for jersey shore tonight, then I was when the ball was dropping on new years eve???

   In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.

   poking someone right after they accept your friend request dirty?

   if you're on a dating site and put that your "not looking for anything serious" in your profile why not be honest and just say "l need to get laid!"

   Wow! I just heard something on TV as "Welcome to the Million Dollar Money Shot!" I was most disappointed to discover I misheard the word "drop".

   ..Elizabeth Edwards leaves hubby John out of will. Somewhere in NY, Bill Clinton sits nervously, wondering

   Johnny Weir came out as gay in his new book.... in other news the sky is blue

   Dear Hotel Decorator, why do you insist on putting the coffee maker next to the toilet?

   Jersey Shore is the reason for mental retardation in America. #teamlohan

   When telling someone the first rule about Fight Club, aren't you in fact breaking that rule yourself?

   Sometimes, I think facbook doesn't know me at all. People You May Know? I don't know any of these MoFo's!!!

   For those of you whose New Years Resolution is to lose weight. There is one simple diet that works. It is, as follows: If it tastes good - spit it out.

   Confucius say Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner if she stops sucking, replace the bag