Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At $50 billion, Facebook is now worth as much as Oprah's little finger

   Facebook: the place where you are a nice person when you add someone and become an ***hole when you delete them.

   Sitting here, eating my Klondike bar, thinking....."I can't frickin believe I just did that!!"

   Hookers dont like to snuggle..

   yes I wet the bed from drinkin to much last night..and cause I wanted her gone by the time I woke up to see how ugly she was

   Everyone seems normal.. Until you get to know them.

   exclusive for girls : if you want to make 0.5 KG of fat attractive ..........................just put a nipple on it :)

   Went to Toys R Us to buy my niece a Barbie Doll for her B-day. All the Barbies were $19.99 except for Divorced Barbie, which was $59.99. So I asked an employee why Divorced Barbie cost so much more. She said it was because she comes with Ken's house,

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   I'm pissed. Somebody stole my 330 million dollars!

   I like to hover my mouse pointer over the "Remove Friend" link - it's like having my very own Tantalus Field.

   the pill the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnecy....

   the pill is the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnecy....

   they say Facebook is worth $50 billion, Facebook you think you could pay someone to fix all the dam glitches

   I used to be confused but now I just don't know

   January: that special time of the year when a children's Christmas toys & their parents are BOTH broke..

   If you have to have a job as host of are you smarter than a fifth grader. Then you just might be a terrible comedian.

   Successful 8-hour sleep diet. Woke up and rewarded willpower with gravy biscuits and sweet tea. HAPPY HUMP DAY, Y'ALL!

   January is my least favorite month. So...no Dr. Pepper chaser with the bourbon. Nuff said. New Years resolutions back in the drawer. Whew, I thought I was gonna have to do a third sit-up. Praise the Lord and hand me that ice bucket.

   Remember kids...skinny girls freeze to death faster!