Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think that all P0rn movies could have the exact same title....."Sh t That Will Never Happen to You"

   Well, I guess people in Arkansas don't have to worry about bird flu this year...

   On my 8th slice of pizza watching the bigget loser!! Time to make a change!! Where's the remote??

   Sarah Palin on fact-finding mission to Arkansas: "We need to find out why birds are dying before they can be shot."

   I ain't been around the world yet...... But I've been around the sun 24 times

   Renaming my wifi network to 'Police Surveillance Van #2'. That should keep the neighbors peeking out the windows toes for a while

   When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?

   Apparently riding the dog like it's a small horse is FROWNED UPON in this ESTABLISHMENT!

   Dear Santa, Let me explain about last year..

   Wii should make beer pong... tired of losing to my son in all the games HE'S good at

   Dear God, I think you're taking this Angry Birds game a little to the extreme.

   Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal have broken up. In other news, Taylor Swift has started writing her next album.

   liked to climb trees as a kid....until I fell and broke all the Christmas presents.

   my new years resolution is 1920 x 1080

   After telling a joke to a little sad kid, he simply asked back " do you know why the chicken crossed the road?" I said no why? He said " Because you were telling the joke at the chicken side". The end and he walked away. :/

   The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

   Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson (Good Luck to those playing the powerball!!)

   Ross: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!

   Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine. Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

   thinks Arkansas is taking the game "Angry Birds" a little too far...