Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in a relationship with the Craigslist Killer and it complicated!

   Thank You Rich Rod for an Amazing 3 Years, your time has been greatly appreciated! - The Rest of the Big Ten

   WTF....Its rains cats and dogs and now birds! But not one single cougar or beaver!!!

   Easy explanation for dead birds falling from sky...they keep hitting Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

   I'm sitting on my couch and updating this status from my cell phone just so my friends think I leave my house occasionally

   Hey Lady gaga! Madonna called, she wants her style back.

   When an old lady pokes you at a wedding and says "you're next"....just do the same to them at a funeral.

   baby showers are ridiculas you have un protected sex and now I gota buy you a gift? Ive been having unprotected sex for years all I ever got was hurt feelings

   Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No.) Wink.

   Does anyone find themselves singing hollaback girl anytime they need to spell the word bananas?

   Scientists remain baffled over the reason why thousands of birds fell from the sky in an apparent mass suicide....... And in other news, Rosie O'donnell was seen hang-gilding naked over Arkansas.... Film at 11.......

   It's 2011, you think we would have toothpaste the doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   My mother never understood the irony in calling me a ”son-of-a-b!tch.”

   Come on ppl what a bad start to the new year pull ur socks up and get funny already

   Im not crazy, my reality is just different then yours. :)

   No status avalible, damaged brain cells need time to be restored due to the excessive amount of holiday drinking

   I am so glad they make smart phones for dumb folks like me! Make me realize how slow I really am. 50,000 apps to choose from and I have trouble figure out what to make for frigging dinner.

   while it is true there are plenty of other fish in the sea, its also true most aren't even close to being a trophy.

   flights booked, lawyer called, cars ordered, mansion picked out.....now I just need my lotto numbers to hit!!!

   what if she has a boyfriend.. Soccer has a goaly too ;)