Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2011: same sh!t, different digits.

   One of the most exciting things about life is not knowing what's next.

   2 beers 5 dollars, 3 margaritas 15 dollars, 4 jello shots 20 dollars... taking home the girl who drank all the above... priceless

   I'm glad you don't know how many times I look at your profile every day.

   Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet.

   I propose a toast to all my friends who are still with me in 2011. To those who unfriended me in 2010... you can kiss my glass.

   I know that you don't understand but I think it's cute that you're trying.

   If you need time alone, announce that it's time to clean the house.

   sooo not a control freak - I just happen to know what is best for everyone else and how they should be doing it!

   9x - 7i > 3(3x - 7u) = ? (see comment for answer)

   I called a company and heard "Baby got back" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Health insurance from a company that plays Sir Mix-a-lot?

   I quit eating...cold turkey...now I microwave it..

   wonders why dogs run to the door when someone knocks? It's never for them.

   thinking of exercising with this NY Detox but, I think I get enough of that by fighting sleep, jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running ragged, dodging responsibilty and pushing my luck.

   Textaphrenia- Hearing or feeling vibrations from texts that dpnt exist..

   To any and all people visiting Arkansas in the next few days, just ignore all the dead birds and fish! Really, it should be fine....From, Big Brother : )

   What kills me is the say the birds and fish in Arkansas all died simultaneously due to stress...What stress, do they over due bills to pay or something??

   It's going to be really funny watching 2012 in 2013.

   There are only two possibilities why so many birds died all at once. A government conspiracy testing a new weapon, or the birds flew into the side of a UFO as the UFO was watching all the pretty fireworks that supposedly scared the birds to death.....

   Somewhere there's an alien cleaning bird poo off his spaceship right now.