Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When deciding which self-checkout line to stand in, I don't look to see how many items they have, I look to see how intelligent they look.

   If Obama was the answer it must have been a stupid question!!

   ‎"I don't mean to brag" is something people say right before they brag.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   I'm quite the match maker. Just matched up whiskey with some ginger ale.

   i like it when theres lots of snow on the road it gives the cops an excuse for me to be swerving all over the road when I'm drunk

   pro gay marriage,can`t see any reason they should have it any easier

   cheating is such a harsh word,i prefer "outsourced sexlife"

   It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   The dentist just said I need a crown, so I jumped up and yelled, "I'm king of the dentists!" The nitrous made it funny

   Grams, Ounces, Kilos. Drugs: Blending the world's units of measurement, teaching math skills and uniting continents for decades.

   "New Racy Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked." If you really want to shock us, leak some photos where she's reading a book.

   Note to self: If you ever accidentally bump into a person who looks just like the young woman who starred in "Precious", do not ask her if she's the young woman who starred in "Precious"....Geeeeeez

   Someday we will be wheeling down the hall in that nursing home trying to have a race until the assistants come and take us to where we should have been

   The hospitals are running low on plasma and need donations. Apparently people bought more TVs for Christmas than they expected so they need to make more.

   An hour and 11 minutes after midnight tonite is 1-1-11 @1:11AM. A memorable time to text and express love to your 1 & only :D

   Whenever I'm drinking Vodka and eating Nacho flavored Doritos, I always seem to have to spend the next morning apologizing for things I said on Facebook. I guess I really need to stop eating Nacho flavored Doritos

   Just read the instructions on a stick of deoderant "remove top and push up bottom". Having trouble walking but farts smell great!

   I may still be single but I know that I have saved a lot of money on a wedding and even more on the divorce.

   trying to think of a good way to show off to everyone the superman underwear I got for Christmas.