Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once i'd like to write out a check in crayon..

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit ;o)

   just read the list of movies the library of congress deemed worthy to preserve, Breakin' 2 electric boogaloo was robbed again!

   May peace break into your home and thieves come to steal your debts,May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for 100$$ bills!May love stick to your face like vasilene and may laughter assault your lips!May happyness slap you across your the face and

   it makes me really sad that there is a man so old he can hardly move still having to work at the Rochester tolls. which is why I always offer him delicious treats that I keep stored in my car like skittles and chocolate in an attempt to make his day :)

   I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I'm the only one that matters.

   it's my birthday... I'm going to treat today like a rental car, and drive it like it's stolen!

   Dear 2011 don't believe everything 2010 told you, it was just jealous cause I wasn't very interested in it..

   i remember when I was younger my mum used to give me 50p to go to the shop , I used to be able to get a couple cans of pop a hand full of ice lollies a magazine couple packs of stickers and some skittles....you just cant do it these days God damn CCTV!!

   Kathy Griffin hosting and Snookie riding in the ball?.. I won't be surprised if no one shows up at times square this year. u

   I'm not making a new years resolution because it's a dumb wasteful thing to do....by the way 2011 is going to be the year I never tell lies.

   Brett Favre was fined $50,000. That's a slap on the back of the hand. They didn't want to slap the front because God knows where it's been recently.

   I'm always a bit disappointed when I see a Kia Soul and there is no hamster driving it.

   Lady at the table next time mine just told the waiter "Oh, I just wanted one teabag with that." I'm holding back the laughter.

   Dear god thank you for all the good times you brought me in 2010. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name.

   News Alert for New Years Eve!! Government warning! According to the Surgeon General. Women should consume alcohol because it impairs their ability to say NO!! So who is up for a drink? I'm pouring!

   So, I've been told hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.

   Knowledge is power... and I see a lot of weakness.

   It appears to me that Brett Favre was fined $25k per inch in the Jen Sterger affair.....

   Well the Christmas spirit is boxed up and back into the attic for another year.