Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i like to say a BIG HAPPY CHRISTMAS to the person who dropped money on the floor today.thank you

   IF I cared, I'd draw you a map of your ass with an X marking the spot where your head is buried."

   I was religious.... right up until about the age of reason.

   Really needs to stop making friends with random people at 7-11 while intoxicated

   After I get Christmas bought, I will be so broke that come New Years I'm gonna have to party like it's $19.99

   Just made my very own holiday fruitcake. It wasn't that difficult. All you need are some twinkies and some skittles.

   if in 2012 the world does not end, the naked guy sticking his tongue out of the middle of the Mayan calander can lick my @$$.

   Thanks to procrastination, my schedule is always full.

   I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

   This is a Facebook wall, not a knitting class. You don't come onto my wall, drop a challenge and leave.

   There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."

   If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner??

   My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.

   slipped on the ice today. After landing I looked, but couoldn't find my keys, wallet, or watch. It must have been black ice.

   Vodka+Ice damages your kidney. Rum+Ice damages your liver. Whiskey+Ice damages your heart. Gin+Ice damages your brain. Damn Ice, how much more damage can you cause?

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   Likes being vague.. because its almost as fun as doing this other thing..

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome

   Always remember that no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless, you can still be used as a bad example.

   Oh the weather outside is frightful, but my scotch is so delightful