Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't cooked for myself in a while, and that was a delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

   How ironic. Mark Zuckerberg (facebook creator) is Time Man of the Year. And Facebook is the thing that takes all our time!

   Classified Ad: Looking for a new Stadium and a new Quarterback.

   Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Man of the Year. Ironically, Facebook has been named Time Waster of the Year.

   FaceBook was shut down for 10min today.I could only imagine the baby boom to come in 9 months from now...

   My Dad asked me what I wanted for Xmas tonight. I told him a gift certificate from Adam and Eve so I could get that swing set. He said he thought the kids were a bit old for it but he said he would look it up online. Boy is he in for a surprise.....

   facebook went down...so I had sex, ate a sandwich and VIOLA! its back! Luck of the Irish!

   I asked my daughter to make a list of things she wants from Santa, and her reply was "I don't need to make Santa a wish list, daddy. He's been watching me all year...he knows what I want!" I'm &#%ked.

   to the dude who is "board" try pgs 1075 - 1080 somewhere in their I swear I totally lmfao.

   the debt collector called, I told them I have $17,859,362,498 in Mafia Wars I'm just having a hard time transferring the money to checking.

   "ThInKs If you wRiTe like DiS" You need to go back to myspace. Its annoying. Grow up.

   signatures are the leading cause of divorce in this country.

   Getting in the Holiday spirit, just put Mistletoe in my wallet.

   I'm thinking about suing the US postal service over their slogan "If it fits~It ships".... If that were true I'd be on my way to Hawaii right now.....

   I wish one night stands could be annulled.

   I know you're great Superman, but telling a reporter your weaknesses and about your background was rather moronic of you. Why don't you just give your enemies a "How to beat Superman" list.

   My girl told me I should embrace more of the holiday season. So I glued a mistletoe to my back pocket!!

   Zuckerberg only won Time's Person of the Year because he defaulted the ballots to vote for him & nobody could figure out how to change them.

   Humans invented peanut butter and chocolate, but God put them together

   Justin Beiber has a movie coming out! What is this world coming to? We would all be better off if someone pushed him into an active volcano!