Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women have special powers. They get wet with out water, They bleed with out injury, They make boneless meat get hard, and make men eat with out cooking

   I hate it when I'm telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.

   A deal has been struck to allow evolution to continue to be taught in public schools, as long as Dinosaurs are refered to as Jesus Horse's.

   He knows when you are sleeping...he knows when you're awake....oh my God I'm scared!!!

   I'll be 127.0.0.1 for Christmas

   Roses are gray, violets are gray. Crap, I'm colorblind.

   Being nice to someone you dislike doesn't mean you're a fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them....

   Dont leave alphabet soup on the stove it could spell disaster.

   when God made saturn.. he liked it, so he put a ring on it

   I need to take a Wikileak

   I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future... but enough about my diet.

   He sees me when I'm eating, He knows that I'm too fat, he sees the indentation on the chair where I just sat ...

   I'd like to give you a nice going away present. But first, you have to do your part.

   I began to slip this morning while going to my car but turned it into a fantastic Moonwalk instead. I got skillz!

   all for gay marriage. Why should straight people have all the misery?

   I don't understand the whole gay marriage debate. Why would they want to ruin a perfectly good relationshp by getting married?

   Am I being picky when I say "Please leave 'Christ' in Christmas"? I know it's a little thing, but, by writing 'X-mas' it seems to me that we are taking out the whole reason we even celebrate this holiday just to save a few key strokes . Just my opinion of

   WOW! Good news from the doc... It's not a growth on my ass, just a stuck turd...

   For those who are upset when they see the word Xmas, just know that the Old English word (12th Century) for Christmas begins with X. The Greek word for Christ (which the English word derives) begins with the Greek letter "chi", or X. So its use is proper

   You know when you are on Facebook too much when you get your paycheck after taxes then you put "dislike" on it.