Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know its a bad economy when you are getting less bang for your buck with a hooker...

   hasn't bought a single Christmas gift yet.

   making a list and checking it twice......Its a hit list and you do not want to be on it!

   an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

   take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

   never forget the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   if only super glue worked on ANYTHING as well as gluing it's own cap on........

   Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.

   hosting a Mayan calendar party on Dec 22, 2012. Disregard this announcement if the world ends on Dec 21, 2012. Also, if the earth's magnetic field does not reverse by then, I'm planning to sponsor a pole flipping contest.

   There is no I in team, but there are four in platitude-quoting idiot

   Could you undress closer to the blinking red light?

   Dude instead of all these credit card companies sending me all these applications they should donate the paper to schools or something!

   I love reading ppls status "off to the gym" when you know damn well they are only going to use the massage chair

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too

   My cuzn's baby's daddy's lil bruda's bes fren's uncle's x-wife's boyfren's mama's awnt's nexdoe neigba's susta in law said tell you Mur Cripmus!

   This Christmas I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.....

   I totally take back all of those times I didn't nap when I was a kid...

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

   Just got home and found all the doors smashed in and everything gone!!! What kind of weirdo does that to someones advent calender ?

   Medical Marijuana vs Medical Alcohol... Why is the first one illegal?