Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Windows 7 is my idea, why the heck do I have to pay for it?

   Ok I've had enough of this winter crap. I say we plot now to take out the groundhog. I got a shotgun.

   I now know what that black stuff is between elephants toenails....slow natives.

   "Roses are reddish, Violets are Bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish." ~ Benny Hill

   If they REALLY wanted us to have a happy period tampons would vibrate

   Every kiss may begin with Kay, but it ends with a high credit card bill!

   It's been almost a year, and just for the record, you're STILL lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.

   its so cold outside, that my grandmother's false teeth was chattering (and they are in a jar)

   Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!

   Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.

   Brett Favre just said "I probably won't participate tonight because of stiffness", I bet he's never said that before

   My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

   Officer: You know why I pulled you over just now? Me: You didn't see me the first two times?

   Wanna play "Santa"? I let you sit on my lap and tell me what you want. I pretend to listen, call you a ho ho ho, stuff your stocking and you swallow some egg nog.

   I bet you were one of those kids that ate the paste while gluing on cotton balls to make Santa's beard.

   Just took a dump and thought to myself... What did people do before iPhones? How awkward it must have been reading them huge newspapers.

   Why does every BLACK joke start with the person looking over both shoulders and talking quiet?

   New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”

   every time a toy breaks...an elf gets beaten..

   Everyone has that one friend you just can't bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can't think of who that friend is, it's you. ..