Funny Status Messages

   I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

   Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

   The first Monday night game in Detroit in almost 10 years and the Lions aren't even playing in it!"

   the one question that baffled researchers for ages..where are my keys?

   I'm thinking about suing the US postal service over their slogan "If it fits~It ships".... If that were true I'd be on my way to Hawaii right now.....

   Step 1) Install coal stove. Step 2) Be naughty all year. Step 3) Wait on santa to deliver so I can heat up the house.

   I just found a Christmas present from last year for the kids....... should have seen their little faces when they opened it...poor little kitty!

   I'm dreaming of a 90 degree Christmas

   Don't Facebook and drive!

   Worst sex I ever had? With a girl that punched me in the face every time she climaxed.Wasn't that that bad until I realized she was faking.

   Dear Facebook Staff, I really dont like the fact that my wife can now see what I post on my girlfriends page.

   I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.

   rihanna- ''oh na na whats my name, oh na na whats my name, oh na na whats my name..." chris brown- Damn. Did I really hit her that hard?

   The snow term "Ass Deep To A Tall Indian"...has me profiling these people...

   Getting into Heaven is easier these days then getting on an airplane.

   ever since watching the SNL skit, I can never hear BOC's "Don't Fear The Reaper" without thinking - "Man, that song could use some more cowbell!"

   Thank you Facebook, for making stalking a little easier for everyone by copying comments we've written on other posts under our own recent activity so there's absolutely no privacy left.

   Mark Zuckerberg, let me get this straight... you went out of your way to fix Facebook, when there wasn't a problem, and didn't put a dislike button... why? You made all those changes... wouldn't hurt to make one more... right?

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.

   Sometimes the feelings we start to have again are feelings that never really went away in the first place.