Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i find tinsel distracting

   You know you've been playing "Call of Duty" too much, when during sex, you shout "COVER ME! I'm RELOADING!"

   on my way to the catalina wine mixer....

   busier than the drummer of Def Leppard.

   resisting the new profile page.. Read the signs people! Today, your profile page.. tomorrow the world!

   The thing guys want most for Christmas: A portrait of themselves in a karate outfit, leaning against a sweet Trans Am.

   Too bad people can't smell their own breath, this guy came to solicit at my front door this morning and his breath was scalding. He needed a Listerine popsicle!

   If I died wouldnt it be weird if you still got random status updates from me?? "I can see the light"...."This line to see Jesus is long"...."I wonder if someone will let me front skip them"...."Oh snap heaven is doin pat-downs"

   If a really fat man grabs you and throws you in a bag don't panic its just santa collecting his ho's.I'm txtn you fm the bag.Bring alcohol! Thanks

   3.14159 I love you when you're covered in ice cream.

   the doctor said pops has sugar in his urine now we cant stop him from peeing on his cornflakes.

   got food poisoning yesterday. Just not sure who to use it on yet.

   I was born cool, but the global warming made me hot

   Dear Santa, please bring me a new butt, mine has a crack in it!

   If I haven't done something you asked me to do and I say it's because life has "been crazy", it really means I've just been lazy.

   The thing about social media is that you can pretend you've gone to bed by not replying but really you're just sitting there the whole time.

   Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.

   I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

   It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies.

   Download this software? Do you Agree? Are you sure? Well, the more times you ask me if I'm sure the less sure I am.