Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only # game I am playing is Barcardi 151, Seagrams 7&7, Weller 107 and maybe Maddog 20/20!!!

   thinking if somebody invented vibrating tampons women would enjoy their period a lot more!!

   I would do alot of things... But catch a grenade... Line has got to be drawn somewhere...

   Score ! I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough...... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   I've been in a relationship with Jack Daniels for so long...should be able to claim him as a dependant on my taxes.

   With all these numbers opping up, you would think somone would have a bingo by now

   MTV just sent me a message that had something to do with fist pumping with Snooki and The Situation this New Year's Eve. Can I fist pump them in the jaw?

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks so cool, hanging from my car's rearview mirror :)

   I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone

   Dong. Oh Dong! Where is my automobile?

   Darnit, my kufi doesn't match my dashiki. What on earth will I wear for Kwanzaa??

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   There is no such thing as being underdressed when you're going to Wal-Mart.

   I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."

   127.0.0.1 I wish I was with you right now and not at work. I would love to crawl in your nice warm bed and snuggle under the covers.

   increasingly tempted to use the 'Like' button as a subversive, vaguely passive-aggressive weapon. For instance, some shithead I recently deleted who I was never too keen on, announced that his car had been stolen...It seeemed an ideal moment to click like

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!

   watching It's Complicated and thinking it's really not that complicated. Meryl Streep is sleeping with her married ex- husband Alec Baldwin and at the same time her Architect Steve Martin.I think I got it figured out..

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth when I'm drunk...thank you...