Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok, I'm gettin' friend requests from Heathcliffe & Sponge Bob, Cinderella, the Smurfs & Donald Duck talkin bout gettin f&*ked up tonight .. Somethings wrong with this picture

   While your at camp for deer season, I'm out hunting the beaver you left behind.

   willing to go the extra mile... as long as it is not in your shoes!

   Just caught my kids arguing over who loved me more...it would've been sweet but they were pushing each other and saying "you love him more"..."uh uh you love him more"...

   woke up this morning with an awful hangover and see that there are a lot of male and female cartoon character complaining of a wild night and drunken blackouts. I predict some pretty goofy lookin' babies in 9 months!

   "Bacon is meat candy."

   I just got home from the airport where I chose the advanced pat down option and now it really hurts when I pee. I really hope that's just a coincidence

    is officially proclaiming that the bird is no longer the word. The new word is legs, go spread the word.

   They say you always want what you can't have. Well I just had another beer and proved that theory to be incorrect.

   According to recent posts... Betty Rubble just got a booty call from Optimus Prime. Barney, you stand no chance. Just walk way.

   It just dawned on me that Yogi Bear and Boo are just Fred and Barney with fur. (Think about it)

   Dear Santa, I thought I'd save you some time. There's no need to check your list. I've been very, very, naughty. I'll try again next year. P.S Why do you have to be so damn judgemental?

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?

   i wonder if they have a pill for premature procrastination

   would be a hoarder but I cant find my wallet

   ATTENTION BIEBER FANS: All shows have been cancelled until after the holidays. Sorry for the inconvenience, but Santa needs him in the workshop.

   I like it when my wife calls me to check up on me. I feel like one of Charlies Angels.

   at what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?

   thinks that punctuality is appreciated in all situations except in bed.....apparently women are not for the whole "coming too early" thing!

   It doesn't really matter how high you can jump, or how fast you can go... it's all about how well you can bounce.