Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To save time, let's just assume I know everything.

   wondering if anybody can send me some energy... not farmville energy .. or not frontierville energy.. just plain body energy

   has hot water again...and a new found appreciation for her non plumber husband, who installed the HW heater perfectly...and looked kinda sexy with all that plumbers crack hangin out....hmmmm....think I'll go pollish his tool....!

   doesnt understand why some ppl are so sensitive to words...I guess there must be an essence of guilt behind those words,,,Get over it

   Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it. To me, everything you listed is proof that I am very good at it.”

   I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. Please speak up.

   Wish in one hand & crap in the other... See which gets filled first.

   If this were Lord of the Flies, you'd be dead already.

   You look like the type of person who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

   you cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women

   it is always much easier to get a woman if you already have one

   The uglier the girl the closer she lives.

   Our government is now blue/yellow. A bit like Ikea, except things from Ikea generally last 5 years

   thinks its amazing how he just killed his catus by not watering it

   Technically, shoplifting from the Apple store only counts as scrumping."

   The American military now have so many warships that they're running out of patriotic and nostalgic names to call them. This culminates next month in the launch of the USS Fonzie."

   "The meaning of the word Islam is 'submission' or 'surrender'. Which makes it surprising that's it's not a more popular religion in France."

   First love is when you meet in the moonlight and you find her lips pressed against yours. Married love is when you meet in the kitchen and she finds your trainers by the sink.

   "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. 'Sort of.' It's just a filler. 'Sort of' - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'"

   What do you call someone who can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle?........... Fat.