Maria Funny Status Messages

   So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dlck on his face"

   Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy

   The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

   u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!!

   There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together.

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

   my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil

   When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, put him into a double stroller, and run around looking frantic.

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

   There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

   Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

   But enough about me, let's talk about you... What do you think of me?

   My mind is like god. It works in mysterious ways, no one really understands it, and people debate over whether or not it exists.

   If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

   "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"