Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congratulations to the astronauts that left Earth today. Good choice.

   Rich men treat ladies the way ladies treat broke men.

   There was a homeless man I was going to give a dollar to untill I read the sign he was holding that read "One day this could be you." So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right.

   "Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever.

   Calm her down. Women love to be calmed down.

   My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...

   An apple a day is bull crap.... Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   Whenever I'm walking down the street and see a car stopped at a red light I like to wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park here."

   Just got my E-Harmony results. They match me with a computer, a chair, and a bottle of lotion.

   Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked, while trying to find new people to see naked?

   Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.

   People who think they can run away from their problems have obviously never farted on a treadmill.

   Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman's mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

   Watching the media CRASH AND BURN is a joke in itself.

   Meanwhile, female Asian voters are upset over a disappointing erection.

   Yay ... Now that the election's over it's nice to see some good old fashioned humor here once again. Oh .... wait .... never mind!

   In these trying times, I want to find good in this world so here goes,,,,, I am extremely grateful that Cap'n Crunch leaves far more gently than it enters.

   At first glance, the word "Diputseromneve" looks confusing and retarded. However, if you read it backwards it's even more stupid.

   Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.

   My dad's decided to NOT move to Canada,,, He says he's "Angry",,, but not, "Learn the Metric System" angry..