Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want to know the Daily Recommended Value. I want to know the Daily Maximum Value that I can consume before I get either fat or diabetes.

   has the key to all of life's questions... but he'll be damned if he can find the lock...

   Every hero has that villain to keep them going.

   All of these special little "holidays..." I heard they were gonna have a national "I Don't Give A Sh*t" day... But no one gave a sh*t so it never happened.

   Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."

   " Your call is important to us followed by a 15 minute flute solo "

   Uni-Ball pens missed one hell of an endorsement opportunity with Lance Armstrong.

   Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere

   The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.

   If you get a Facebook friend request from Lizzie Borden, don't accept it or you will be hacked.

   Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.

   cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!

   We need more statues of naked women

   As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.

   Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.

   I want an app to mute nearby people.

   As far as my liver knows, today's my birthday....

   If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.

   Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

   Had to get rid of my memory foam mattress. It threatened to start talking....