Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not that the elderly drive badly. It's just that they're the only ones with the time to do the speed limit.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out but the only way I can shut the B*tch up is with cookies.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   Sure, you may have the last word....as long as it is "Yes, Ma'am" or "I'm sorry."

   i wonder if cows kno how good they taste.. .

   Saw someone dressed in Darth Vader garb driving an old Honda Civic today. Apparently the recession has touched all corners of the universe.

   Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

   Remember, we're not here for a long time, we're here for a GOOD TIME!!!

   Heidi Montag says she's "not addicted" to plastic surgery. Much in the same way Amy Winehouse is merely a "crack aficionado".

   Hard work never killed anyone but i'm hoping my boss will be the first.

   Always remember that the choices you make may have serious repercussions. The regret I may feel later from the hot wings I eat earlier is a perfect example.

   Do not get me near any electronics or appliances.. apparently I turn on EVERYTHING !!!

   is experiencing fact that "having jalapenos once, will burn you twice."

   Lost 9lbs in one day using a new diet, where I ran to the bathroom every 5 minutes for 24 hours. The stomach virus DVD workout will soon be out!

   I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.

   Your bumper sticker claiming, "My Chocolate Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" appears to be false. I've never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.

   If I ever write a book it's going to be about "People who waste other people's time by reading about their nonsense" but I probably will never write one so..... never mind.