Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tell me more about your pillow forts, is there a bar inside?

   If you could be any kind of salad you want, what kind of bacon cheeseburger would you be?

   So far I'm 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.

   It's like my kids don't even believe how cool I was in the 90s.

   Ommpa Loompa Doopity Do. Fake tanning lotion ain't working for you.

   The older I get the more I realise there are no grown ups and nobody knows what the f*ck they're doing.

   Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.

   I've been on a million first dates in my life, but there is still no rejection like a toddler refusing to high five you back...

   When all the confusion exhibited at a four way stop is considered, it's really quite surprising that we ever made it to the top of the food chain

   I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

   Newest Facebook Relationship Status: Pre-divorce

   Don't "xoxoxoxo" unless you mean it... I'm not flying to Budapest again...

   Wow. I have 4 events today, none of which I agreed to go to or expressed any interest in whatsoever. Thanks, Facebook!

   My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice

   I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic...

   Co-Worker: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No, but I know a few on Facebook.

   So, as far as that blimp breaking free from its cable today... The cable must have come from Comcast! Comcast Cable never works!

   Yep, no one will notice you're fat if you use a dog or little kids for a profile pic.

   This shutdown seems to be bringing out the inner-retard in everyone.

   "What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift