Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.

   Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office

   When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.