Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to talk and walk,then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   My New Year's Resolution is to finish what I star........

   The sole purpose of a child's middle name is to know when they're in big trouble.

   Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you, but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head

   Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.

   Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

   : Microwave broke - time to break out the Easy Bake Oven.

   you know you've been going to alot of bars lately when you walk into a local McDonald's to buy a burger and accidently hand the guy at the register you're I.D."

   succesfully finished his rubiks cube, waiting for the paint to dry now

   Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ''Thing" with someone.

   Teacher: Imagine you were in a world of dinosaurs and they were about to eat you. What would you do? Smart-a$$ Student: Easy, stop imagining.

   and with the first pick of the 2011 Rapture Draft... God selects Randy "Macho Man" Savage

   There should be an eject button in cars for people who touch your perfectly-positioned vents.

   The one thing I'm taking away from The whole Casey Anthony verdict debacle is the fact that Facebook and Twitter are the modern day equivalent of pitchforks and torches.

   You're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   we often spend so much of money on buying clothes but never realize that some of the best moment in life is enjoyed without cloths!

   Dear 5 HOUR ENERGY ®, Some of us work 8 hours. Sincerely, A None-Government Employee

   Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is..

   If before every major life decision, people would just say "What would Charlie Sheen do?"...The world would be so much more interesting....

   Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!......It'll take them an hour to pass the salt!!!